trial of your faith part 2

i've contemplated writing this post many times... sometimes it just seemed like that would be too hard, other times it seemed unnecessary. but after a few comments from friends recently who read my blog, i felt like i needed to include this message. i felt a firm urging inside my heart that wasn't my own, and so here i sit.

coincidentally, this has also been on my mind because around now is when it would have happened... around now is when our baby would have been born if we hadn't lost our first pregnancy. 

i found out i was pregnant the monday before thanksgiving of 2012. i was a little surprised because we had just barely decided to start "trying" and "pull the goalie" so-to-speak. honestly, i'd always thought i'd want to start my family right away, but the first several months of our marriage it definitely didn't feel right. but we kept that decision in our prayers together and discussed it frequently. finally, when my heart told me it was okay, it didn't take much convincing drake at all. he was completely game to start too. and so we did. i had it all worked out in my head, as many people know i like to do. i had my plan. i had thought it through long and hard and this way would optimize the amount of time i could be home with baby before going back to school. i wanted those 8 months with my baby of no school! then, when we discovered i was pregnant, i just knew that God had agreed with my plan! i had planned something as well as he could and i was ecstatic! i told drake right away at our dinner date that had already been scheduled. and we decided to wait until thanksgiving dinner to make the announcement to our families. of course our families were ecstatic and we didn't have a worry in the world. the very next day after making the big announcement to our families, as i was sitting in olive garden after a loooooong morning of black friday shopping, i wasn't aware that the strong, similar-to-period cramping feelings were bad signs. i simply excused myself for a bathroom trip while we waited for food and once in the bathroom and seeing so much blood, i called my mother on my cellphone and asked for her to come. i think everyone probably guessed it at that point. i kept it together as best i could. my mother was very positive. bleeding doesn't necessarily mean all is lost, but there was so much blood and it was etched on my mind. i felt frustrated that some of my aunts had just barely found out that morning in the car on the way to shop and we had talked about how great i was feeling-- no morning sickness. i was supposedly about 2 months along, according to my last period and it probably should have hit by now. so, my mother ran to a nearby walmart and bought me some clean underwear to put on, and then we didn't really much more of a choice than to return to olive garden where the rest of our huge shopping party were still eating. i still had not allowed myself to cry yet, but as i sat in the booth, completely void of any appetite, and tried to nibble on the breadsticks i had so been looking forward to, i just couldn't help the silent shudder in my shoulders as i looked away and held in sobs.
i had wanted this so bad. i had always always wanted to be a mommy. i had dreamed of being pregnant and having a living being inside me, growing and developing and preparing to enter this mortal experience. it had happened just like i planned! God had agreed with me! so how could this be happening now? my mother was still very insistent that it could be nothing, don't assume the worse. but my cramping feeling was still there and it was pretty intense of feelings. anatomy lessons were whizzing through my brain about how the cramping feelings during a period is how the body ejects the built up wall lining that isn't needed when there is no pregnancy. i didn't want my body to be rejecting anything! i was getting more and more scared. i refused all pain medications because i didn't want to do anything to jeopardize this baby further and all we could do was wait it out. my mother explained to me that a pregnancy test wouldn't be valid anymore because the hormones would still be in my system. all we could do was wait it out or get an ultrasound. the idea of waiting seemed terrible. how could i go any longer bonding with a baby that might not even exist anymore? so we got home and informed drake of everything that had gone on, and he gave me a blessing. the blessing didn't promise me a baby, but it did promise me happiness and many children to raise and i felt comforted. the church is true, folks. we continued to discuss all our options and my mother called dr. mansfield who she works with and has been our family practitioner for years. he said the bleeding wasn't always a bad sign, but the cramping was a little more alarming. so we scheduled an appointment with jim everson the following monday, and drake called his work getting the day off before we returned to provo.
in the meantime, i talked to my grandma kris who is also a nurse practitioner and she definitely wasn't as sugary sweet as my mother in optimism, but she did sound so excited when she heard the news. she was optimistic too, but she also recognized that there was a chance that this pregnancy had terminated. she told me she believed sometimes it is God's way of bringing one of his children back that simply wasn't ready to come to earth, or when there was a problem along the way. i felt comforted in that. she reminded me that it was God in control.
well, i had an ultrasound with jim everson and the news was confirmed. at 8 weeks along, he should be seeing baby, and there just wasn't anything there anymore. it was heartbreaking. i allowed myself some tears, but still kept most of it bottled inside. i didn't want to be a huge wreck in front of everybody. in the car on the way home, my mother stopped at the store and ran inside. drake and i waited outside in the backseat. he just held me while i let a little more out than before. he offered comforting words and i knew he was hurting too, but he was my rock. he reminded me of my blessing and was immediately looking to the future and trying again. honestly, trying again scared me to death. how could i do this again? what if i just wasn't cut out for pregnancy? i was definitely on a huge emotional roller coaster. in just seven days i had discovered my pregnancy and then that it was over.
that drive back to provo was pretty long and silent. i just didn't want to talk about it. but i kept a slow stream of tears the whole way, and this bothered drake quite a bit. at one point i had been stopped for a while and even participated in conversation with him (bless his heart for trying so hard to make things normal) but then when i broke into sobs again, he was frustrated with me. i guess the mourning process for a man is different for a woman, especially when it involves pregnancy. but we talked it out and worked through it and when he understand i was still hurting an intense hurt, he let me cry all i wanted. but the most important thing i did on that drive was open my lds app and start reading through the october 2012 general conference messages. that's where i stumbled upon this one: Trial of Your Faith by Elder Neil L. Anderson.
i was bombarded with comforting feelings. i knew that even in times of trial and hardship, the only thing i could do was trust in my Heavenly Father's plan, which obviously had not been the same as my original plan like i thought. even though i felt like my timing was perfect, there must be something else in store. the rest of the drive home, i read and reread those words and prayed for the faith to be patient and understanding.
that process of accepting God's will over mine was a pretty big lesson i needed to learn a little better. i felt surprised at how quickly i seemed to heal after that point, after i decided to accept it as the Lord's will and move forward. i never expressed my feelings in writing more than this blog post: follow here.   already i can feel that therapy kicking in again from writing this message down.

i know that the gospel is real. i know that we all are children of a loving Heavenly Father that never intentionally hurts us, but helps us learn and grow through life experiences. i know that he is always outstretching a comforting hand towards us and waiting for us to ask for his help in all parts of our life. i know that we aren't protected from hardship in this life, but life is a lot harder without the peace and comfort from the gospel. i know that prayers are heard and answered. i know that priesthood blessings are divine power from God himself, and they are real. i know that if we keep the faith in Christ, even through our trials and hardships, we will be refined and strengthened as children of God. i know that it is sometimes hard accepting God's will over our own, but it is right and the only way to live life.

now, i'm overwhelmed with different kinds of emotions. now i'm grateful for this baby that i'm nearly 8 months pregnant with. i have a strong testimony that her time is right for right now to come down and prepare to enter her mortal existence. i don't know if her spirit that i feel wiggling around inside of me all day is the same little spirit that would have come before, or if she is completely separate from that pregnancy, but i do trust that it is right and good. i love her a thousand times more already just because i know she's mine and really coming. i feel more prepared to be her mother. more strengthened in the gospel and my testimony. i feel so much gratitude towards my Father in Heaven for sending me another opportunity to be a mommy so quickly, and i trust that those three months made all the difference.
i love my Heavenly Father who i know is continuously there for me, and i love His Son, Jesus Christ, my Savior who is also there with outreached hands for all of us. i am grateful for this life and my trials, and i hope that i can live to be refined from them.