literally, my last post was jade's birth story. there's a draft that attempts to catch up 2017 starting in january, and unfortunately, that was the year we lost chris and i also lost my desire to blog. i think in many ways our family still hurts so much from that - but overall, it's been an impressive and amazing experience to be amidst the may family as they push forward with JOY. there's a lot of memories shared that bring laughter and tears, and a grief and sadness that is hard to ignore, but mostly just love. plain and simple. i have a new goal to blog some of those special experiences too... but for now, zeke deserves a birth story post like his sisters. at the very least.
christopher ezekiel may. our first son!
february 27
well, it started with a pregnancy similar to my others. some morning sickness in the beginning and exhaustion exhaustion exhaustion. being a mom and pregnant at the same time is really a tiring experience. i was at least newly pregnant in the summer time so i wasn't also working. i was preparing my new classroom at riverside though and that was rough. i went on a retreat with my new future teacher friends and had to share the secret with them because i was so sick and puked a few times. i did discover the amazing combo of B6 and unisom though- and that really really worked for me. i had enough energy to start a garden, and then got pregnant and lost my energy to keep up on it. but we still had a fun enough summer. by the time i started teaching, i mostly over the sickness and exhastion. well, i feel like i've been tired since getting pregnant (still!) but it definitely improved.
this is what i remember most of zeke's pregnancy:
- i got big FAST
- i started hurting in my hips way earlier
- i had to pee soooooo much more than other pregnancies
- my whole digestion was one extreme to the other
- the RAGE (we wondered about some testerone in my body??)
- and my bedtime sneaking up earlier and earlier and earlier
- snack addiction: carrots- not baby carrots, the big ones! and ice
- LEG CRAMPS at night. worst i've ever had
- bloody noses all. the. dang. time.
- insomnia
we decided NOT to find out the gender of this baby. it truly was a win-win. if it was a girl, then four sisters would be fun and easy. if it was a boy, it would be SO exciting to find out in that moment of him being handed to me. so it was easy (mostly) to resist in the ultrasound finding out. we did wonder about those crazy biceps though and if that meant a little may boy was on his way.
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| at the ultrasound |
i definitely went into the night expecting the induction to go quickly because it was baby number four and i felt pretty experienced... but i was normally a little bit more dilated before my inductions and it did prove to take longer than expected. i showed up around 6 and got settled in with the IV and record-taking. i wasn't in pain so we just settled in and monitored everything. dr. cox stopped by and promised that if i was dilated to at least a 4 by midnight, he'd break my water.
february 28
well, midnight came and i had reached a 4, but he didn't show up. we don't really know what happened, but the nurses tried calling him a couple times then we decided to just wait it out. that night was a long, drawn out process of slow dilation. i eventually got an epidural in the early morning hours... maybe like 7ish?... and dr. cox broke my water which DID help move things a long better. it took allllll night to get to a 5, and then after the water breaking i went from a 6 to 10 in about an hour. i remember the epidural was helping mostly, but i wasn't not feeling stuff, but i didn't want to juice myself up to the point of not feeling anything, so i was fairly uncomfortable at the end with tense cramping. i knew i was close, and i wanted to push. when dr. cox came and said we were good to go, the emotions hit me pretty good and i cried. i get emotional thinking about the other side of the veil where my baby was coming from, embraced by grampy and ryker and our other loved ones.
it took two pushes and my baby was here!! i just remember anxiously sitting up and looking down to see what we could see and IT WAS A BOY! everyone who was there for the birth was yelling and cheering and so excited. drake was beaming and excited and so was i! i just laid back in the bed and smiled and laughed at the idea of my BOY. they brought him up to me to snuggle while they wiped him down and i remember his head of black hair, big lips, and the fact that he was a little blue... they didn't let him hang out with me for long because they needed to help him pink up. he did that quickly and didn't need any additional help. drake brought him over to me and it was amazing holding our son!! he was 8 pounds and 4 ounces, 21 1/4 inches long.
he took me the longest to convince to nurse for sure. my girls all loved it from the beginning so i never had to try too hard, but he made me work at it. probably for the first 24 years i had to stimulate him a lot for each feeding. other than that, he was so content. i couldn't believe how much love burst into my heart immediately for this little guy.
his sisters still didn't know if they had a brother or a sister, so they were anxious to meet him. i couldn't wait for the surprise! zenna was sooooooo excited because she had been hoping for a brother. isla had originally said she'd wanted a sister, but was won over once she saw him, and jade loved giving him kisses. once again, i lucked out without jealousy problems. i couldn't wait until it was time to get him home. he had four mothers instead of one.
unfortunately, my girls had been sick. it was february after all and the community had been hit bad. we did our best to keep the girls away and wouldn't allow them to kiss him. when he was four days old, he had his first check-up. before his check-up, i actually took the girls to the walk-in side of the doctor office to get them checked out. they were tested for influenza A and tested negative. the sympotoms were very similar and they were definitely sick, but there was nothing to do for them. things looked good with zeke. doctor mansfield actually told me that either the girls took a two week vacation or zeke and i needed a two week vacation because if he caught what they had, it would be bad. he even said he could be hospitalized while this tiny. so we sent the girls to grammy sarah for three days - not the full two weeks, but man, we'd been missing them too!
when zeke was 9 days old, i ended up taking him to the clinic because he had developed a little runny nose and cough. i remembered what doctor mansfield had warned me about and i had been watching zeke closely. at that point, he wasn't sick enough to do anything either. he didn't have a fever, his oxygen looked good, and he was alert. she did tell me what to watch out for, however. so i began checking his temperature every morning and night, watching his breathing, and making sure he wasn't getting worse. it was really hard to know with him though. he didn't cry much ever. he slept a lot because he was a newborn. he never ran a fever. but he was coughing and had a runny nose. watching his breathing was challenging too. what is fast breathing for a newborn? what does it look like when it's dangerous? i began going back and forth with the thought of taking him into the doctor again. i would almost have myself convinced, and then i'd decide it was probably fine. he had another doctor appointment for the following morning so i started talking myself into waiting.
i was truthfully afraid. and i knew i needed to say a prayer. there had been prayers in my heart for many days, but the prayer i sent up on this day was strong enough to change my mind completely. i began to get very concerned that he wasn't eating. it had been almost ten hours. so i decided to give him a bath and wake him up. this didn't wake him up enough to eat either. and i knew i had my answer. he needed to go in. i got all four kids loaded in the car and headed to pocatello. i texted drake and said, "i'm taking zeke to the doctor. it's not an emergency, but if you could get off work a little early to meet me there, i'd love the help."
i'm sooooo glad drake was able to get off and meet me because when i got there, zeke looked much worse. i was just walking into the walk-in side, but i knew i was going to ask for doctor mansfield to come look him over anyway. as we were sitting in the waiting room, zeke was looking worse. i asked drake, "do his lips look blue to you?" and drake admitted he didn't look that good. i immediately yank his socks off and see more blue. blue feet. i rip his gloves off. blue hands. i was almost paralyzed with fear. i was about to demand to be seen sooner, but mekell, mansfield's nurse and good family friend, came over to get us and had noticed zeke was over here and said doctor mansfield already requested to see him first! wow!! this was definitely another tender mercy and proof to me that my Heavenly Father is really watching out for us. we were immediately whisked into a room and mekell tried to get an oxygen read on his foot. the reader was too big, so she switched to the small baby reader. the numbers were in the 40s. i'm not lying. she didn't say anything, but grabbed doctor mansfield. usually it takes a while before he comes in. luckily, at this point, i didn't know how bad those numbers meant. i knew the goal was high 90s... but didn't know how severe this problem was. doctor mansfield tried as well. straight-faced. poker-faced. also low 50s and 40s. they switched out the oxygen-reader for a new one to make sure it wasn't malfunctioning. also those horrific numbers. he tested the reader on his own finger and immediately got a high 90s number. at this point, mansfield listened to his lungs and then he just looked me in the eye and calmly told me that zeke would need to go to the emergency room immediately and had pnemonia due to bronchiolitis, probably from RSV. i remember the shockwave that went through my system. my girls were being noisy and trying to climb on drake and i. i started crying. drake took the girls outside while they got an oxygen mask on my tiny baby. mekell asked if she could help me call my mother who i'd texted and told her i was going to the doctor. i couldn't choke out words so mekell updated her and she was already working at the hospital, so she'd meet us there. drake called his mom and she came to pick up the girls. he finally came back to me and that helped me feel stronger. i just held my baby and tried not to be overcome with extreme guilt that i almost didn't bring him in that night... i almost waited... and the outcome of that scenerio would have been too awful to think about. i try not to, but i do think about that a lot.
doctor mansfield called the hospital and determined we should go to the ER first instead of the pediatric floor, but the pediatric doctor would be waiting for us to make sure we got what we needed. we drove there because it would be quicker and off we went with our 12 day old baby to the ER. when we got there, his oxygen numbers looked a little better with the mask on and they started with the taping of things to his face :( he got an IV in his forehead and oxygen tubes taped on his face. he also had a low temperature, so we worked on getting him bundled and warm too. then he got xrays done of his chest and through most of this, he was a good boy. some cries here and there, but i almost started feeling a little better about things. i don't remember a lot of details about the next night, but i'll write what i do remember which mostly comes in chaotic bursts.
i remember drake with me always- and always a solid support of calm, faith, and stability. i remember my mom with me always also. she would often interpret what the doctors and nurses were saying and meaning. i know she tried really hard, but she didn't always mask her fear that well. i'm afraid we nearly caused her stress and anxiety to completely knock her out. i remember they had to suction the gunk out of zeke's throat often. this meant shoving suction down his throat and he screamed and cried and tried to wiggle away. i couldn't take this pain away. his oxygen numbers weren't improving. his carbon dioxide levels weren't improving. his breathing was still fast and labored. when they left him alone and let me hold him in that hospital bed, i felt like things were okay... but they truly weren't. the docotr on the floor through the night shift would just come in and stand near the bed and stare at zeke's chest while he breathed, he'd listen to his lungs over and over, he'd keep a strong poker face on (but again, i could read my mother's non-poker face haha) and i knew things were still really scary. drake gave zeke a blessing with my grandpa martell. he mentioned the love and support for zeke, some from loved ones we couldn't see. after that, through the scary moments, i remember a calm within myself. my mind wasn't racing with worst-case scenerios. i was focused on holding zeke while i could, weighing the choices the doctor's gave us, and focusing all my love into my tiny baby. he was so small and i couldn't stand to think about the pain he was in. eventually, he spiked the tiniest fever and had to get a lumbar puncture. all through the night, he was watched and listened to. he had tubes down his throat and nose they used to suction out his lungs. he continually ripped these things out. things were getting taped on his cheeks and ripped off his skin. i started wishing everyone would just leave him alone, but i knew this was the only way to help him get better. eventually, the doctors concluded he'd ultimately need intubated because his lungs just weren't doing the work they needed to and because of the intubation, he'd need to be cared for in a PICU, but Portneuf couldn't bring a baby with RSV into their NICU and there wasn't another option for him. so, we were off to Primary Children's in salt lake. primary children's sent a small airplane to pick us up. because zeke wasn't in a consistent place, and his carbon dioxide levels continued to be inaccurate on the machine's readings, and we felt like he'd had sneaky symptoms since we got there, we decided to intubate him at the hospital before leaving on the airplane. the idea of an emergency situation happening on the plane was too risky. i opted to stay in the room while they did this with zeke. i thought i'd seen enough ER and Grey's Anatomy to be prepared for this, but it was horrible to watch on my tiny baby. the first attempt at intubation was unsuccessful. they had to try again with another nurse. they tried giving him some medicine to help him hold still, but he ended up needing a temporary paralytic. that was the hardest thing to see. my tiny newborn baby who usually holds his hands so close to his body and face, was just flailed spread eagle on the table with his head tilted back unbearably far, and a lady placing the intubation tube in through his mouth. torture. then, it was in, and working for him, but he was still in that paralyzed state and i fought back the thoughts of how he looked so still. another small tender mercy occurred when drake and i were both allowed to fly to salt lake on the plane with zeke. we made arrangements for our girls and off we flew.
my sisters were also amazing through this experience. bailey had so much pain in her eyes as she probably felt some things too close to comfort with her heart. she was a comforting person to have in the room with me. jessica brought me the most loaded bag with everything we might need to stay overnight in the hospitals comfortably. she thought of everything, truly. there was comfortable hospital clothes, fuzzy socks, treats, deodoarant and tooth brushes, gum.... everything. she has the biggest heart and took care of drake and i. dassia and cinta are also amazing. dassia had a care package waiting for us at the hospital when we got there- complete with a fountain mountain dew haha. she even packed breast pads because she knew i wouldn't be able to nurse. cinta took time to drive to salt lake and make sure we were well fed also. my girls were all taken care of between aunt tiffany, grandma jill, and grammy. they were always in the best of hands. we had blessings pouring down on us. in a facebook post i wrote: I'm also grateful that we talked about Jesus Christ calming the tempest with our girls this past week. We emphasized how when we believe and have faith in Jesus Christ, he can help us feel better when we're scared. The girls seemed to connect well with the lesson... but little did we know the lesson was for Mom and Dad this time. Many times I've heard the words "Peace, be still" in my mindthe past few days. I felt an incredibly strong peaceful feeling that helped me trust the doctors and nurses as they took care of my baby (even when I really thought it seemed more like poking, prodding, and torturing him). I felt peace when Drake and I climbed onto a tiny airplane with our 14-day-old baby strapped into an incubator and intubated. I felt peace when I looked at his poor, taped up face and cried because there was nothing else I could do. I truly have felt that stillness through my fears."
once at primary children's, the chaos began to calm down. zeke was intubated and the vent was breathing for him, doing a lot of work really. he didn't cry. he wasn't paralyzed anymore, but he was heavily sedated. he was quiet and calm. he was also so so swollen, i could barely recognize his poor little squishy face. his hair spiked straight off the top of his head and i continually ran my fingers through his hair to let him know i was close by. it's REALLY HARD not being able to hold your newborn baby!! walking through the hallways of the PICU at Primary Children's is sooooo hard. i knew my baby wasn't the sickest one there, and my heart ached for the parents and families going through worse trials than we were. to see those sick or diseased and hurting children just tore at my heart every day. i definitely started altering my prayers to include everyone in those hallways. drake and i lucked out and were able to stay in the ronald mcdonald rooms down the hallway from zeke all but once. we were able to shower there, sleep close by, and be with him as much as we wanted. many family members drove down to visit us and kept us fed well. it was hard to be in the room with zeke and see his tiny body loaded with so many tubes. i became obsessed with learning what all the numbers meant and my mother taught me so much. the nurses and doctors always answered my questions. he continued to get x-rays observing his lungs and it took longer than expected, but he began to improve. one lung had been partially collapsed and need the higher vent settings. i didn't realize he was on the highest vent settings until after. i wasn't thinking that if he didn't improve at that point, there'd be nothing left to do for him. he did slowly improve. he had an allergic reaction to the morphine he was on and i pointed out the rash to his nurse. from the top of his poor little head to his feet, he had a red rash. luckily, that cleared up quickly when they switched him to a different medication.
finally, after almost a week, we were able to take that intubation out and hold our boy! he remained a true, calm and chill boy, and drake and i just soaked him up. he went back to nursing like a champ and made his mama so happy. i just can't stand how cute this kid is! we were able to leave the PICU at this point and just went to another floor where zeke continued to practice breathing on his own. i got to hold him lots and lots here and didn't mind sleeping in the chair next to him. it was a happy day when he was finally breathing room air on his own and we got to head home.
march was an extremley long month, and i hardly spent most of it with my girls at all. we had to spend even more days apart once in idaho again because this time jade did test positive for influenza A :( once we were all home together, we had precautions, but the girls were SO IN LOVE with their brother.
doctor mansfield called the hospital and determined we should go to the ER first instead of the pediatric floor, but the pediatric doctor would be waiting for us to make sure we got what we needed. we drove there because it would be quicker and off we went with our 12 day old baby to the ER. when we got there, his oxygen numbers looked a little better with the mask on and they started with the taping of things to his face :( he got an IV in his forehead and oxygen tubes taped on his face. he also had a low temperature, so we worked on getting him bundled and warm too. then he got xrays done of his chest and through most of this, he was a good boy. some cries here and there, but i almost started feeling a little better about things. i don't remember a lot of details about the next night, but i'll write what i do remember which mostly comes in chaotic bursts.
i remember drake with me always- and always a solid support of calm, faith, and stability. i remember my mom with me always also. she would often interpret what the doctors and nurses were saying and meaning. i know she tried really hard, but she didn't always mask her fear that well. i'm afraid we nearly caused her stress and anxiety to completely knock her out. i remember they had to suction the gunk out of zeke's throat often. this meant shoving suction down his throat and he screamed and cried and tried to wiggle away. i couldn't take this pain away. his oxygen numbers weren't improving. his carbon dioxide levels weren't improving. his breathing was still fast and labored. when they left him alone and let me hold him in that hospital bed, i felt like things were okay... but they truly weren't. the docotr on the floor through the night shift would just come in and stand near the bed and stare at zeke's chest while he breathed, he'd listen to his lungs over and over, he'd keep a strong poker face on (but again, i could read my mother's non-poker face haha) and i knew things were still really scary. drake gave zeke a blessing with my grandpa martell. he mentioned the love and support for zeke, some from loved ones we couldn't see. after that, through the scary moments, i remember a calm within myself. my mind wasn't racing with worst-case scenerios. i was focused on holding zeke while i could, weighing the choices the doctor's gave us, and focusing all my love into my tiny baby. he was so small and i couldn't stand to think about the pain he was in. eventually, he spiked the tiniest fever and had to get a lumbar puncture. all through the night, he was watched and listened to. he had tubes down his throat and nose they used to suction out his lungs. he continually ripped these things out. things were getting taped on his cheeks and ripped off his skin. i started wishing everyone would just leave him alone, but i knew this was the only way to help him get better. eventually, the doctors concluded he'd ultimately need intubated because his lungs just weren't doing the work they needed to and because of the intubation, he'd need to be cared for in a PICU, but Portneuf couldn't bring a baby with RSV into their NICU and there wasn't another option for him. so, we were off to Primary Children's in salt lake. primary children's sent a small airplane to pick us up. because zeke wasn't in a consistent place, and his carbon dioxide levels continued to be inaccurate on the machine's readings, and we felt like he'd had sneaky symptoms since we got there, we decided to intubate him at the hospital before leaving on the airplane. the idea of an emergency situation happening on the plane was too risky. i opted to stay in the room while they did this with zeke. i thought i'd seen enough ER and Grey's Anatomy to be prepared for this, but it was horrible to watch on my tiny baby. the first attempt at intubation was unsuccessful. they had to try again with another nurse. they tried giving him some medicine to help him hold still, but he ended up needing a temporary paralytic. that was the hardest thing to see. my tiny newborn baby who usually holds his hands so close to his body and face, was just flailed spread eagle on the table with his head tilted back unbearably far, and a lady placing the intubation tube in through his mouth. torture. then, it was in, and working for him, but he was still in that paralyzed state and i fought back the thoughts of how he looked so still. another small tender mercy occurred when drake and i were both allowed to fly to salt lake on the plane with zeke. we made arrangements for our girls and off we flew.
my sisters were also amazing through this experience. bailey had so much pain in her eyes as she probably felt some things too close to comfort with her heart. she was a comforting person to have in the room with me. jessica brought me the most loaded bag with everything we might need to stay overnight in the hospitals comfortably. she thought of everything, truly. there was comfortable hospital clothes, fuzzy socks, treats, deodoarant and tooth brushes, gum.... everything. she has the biggest heart and took care of drake and i. dassia and cinta are also amazing. dassia had a care package waiting for us at the hospital when we got there- complete with a fountain mountain dew haha. she even packed breast pads because she knew i wouldn't be able to nurse. cinta took time to drive to salt lake and make sure we were well fed also. my girls were all taken care of between aunt tiffany, grandma jill, and grammy. they were always in the best of hands. we had blessings pouring down on us. in a facebook post i wrote: I'm also grateful that we talked about Jesus Christ calming the tempest with our girls this past week. We emphasized how when we believe and have faith in Jesus Christ, he can help us feel better when we're scared. The girls seemed to connect well with the lesson... but little did we know the lesson was for Mom and Dad this time. Many times I've heard the words "Peace, be still" in my mindthe past few days. I felt an incredibly strong peaceful feeling that helped me trust the doctors and nurses as they took care of my baby (even when I really thought it seemed more like poking, prodding, and torturing him). I felt peace when Drake and I climbed onto a tiny airplane with our 14-day-old baby strapped into an incubator and intubated. I felt peace when I looked at his poor, taped up face and cried because there was nothing else I could do. I truly have felt that stillness through my fears."
once at primary children's, the chaos began to calm down. zeke was intubated and the vent was breathing for him, doing a lot of work really. he didn't cry. he wasn't paralyzed anymore, but he was heavily sedated. he was quiet and calm. he was also so so swollen, i could barely recognize his poor little squishy face. his hair spiked straight off the top of his head and i continually ran my fingers through his hair to let him know i was close by. it's REALLY HARD not being able to hold your newborn baby!! walking through the hallways of the PICU at Primary Children's is sooooo hard. i knew my baby wasn't the sickest one there, and my heart ached for the parents and families going through worse trials than we were. to see those sick or diseased and hurting children just tore at my heart every day. i definitely started altering my prayers to include everyone in those hallways. drake and i lucked out and were able to stay in the ronald mcdonald rooms down the hallway from zeke all but once. we were able to shower there, sleep close by, and be with him as much as we wanted. many family members drove down to visit us and kept us fed well. it was hard to be in the room with zeke and see his tiny body loaded with so many tubes. i became obsessed with learning what all the numbers meant and my mother taught me so much. the nurses and doctors always answered my questions. he continued to get x-rays observing his lungs and it took longer than expected, but he began to improve. one lung had been partially collapsed and need the higher vent settings. i didn't realize he was on the highest vent settings until after. i wasn't thinking that if he didn't improve at that point, there'd be nothing left to do for him. he did slowly improve. he had an allergic reaction to the morphine he was on and i pointed out the rash to his nurse. from the top of his poor little head to his feet, he had a red rash. luckily, that cleared up quickly when they switched him to a different medication.
finally, after almost a week, we were able to take that intubation out and hold our boy! he remained a true, calm and chill boy, and drake and i just soaked him up. he went back to nursing like a champ and made his mama so happy. i just can't stand how cute this kid is! we were able to leave the PICU at this point and just went to another floor where zeke continued to practice breathing on his own. i got to hold him lots and lots here and didn't mind sleeping in the chair next to him. it was a happy day when he was finally breathing room air on his own and we got to head home.
 |
| breathing room air!! |
 |
| i'm outta here!! |
march was an extremley long month, and i hardly spent most of it with my girls at all. we had to spend even more days apart once in idaho again because this time jade did test positive for influenza A :( once we were all home together, we had precautions, but the girls were SO IN LOVE with their brother.
truly when it's all said and done, i can say that i felt my Father in Heaven's love for us outpouring. i know we were never left alone. i felt uplifted, calmed, and strengthened multiple times throughout the scary days. my testimony was strengthened as i learned how to rely on the faith i was feeling. it was not a fun experience, but we learned a lot and drew closer to each other and the Lord.
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